The Fruitcake Affair

After hearing disparaging stories about the fruitcake’s shelf life of 100 years, I never had a desire to try it until I discovered mini loafs of the seasonal concoction in my grocery store a few years ago. It was that first loaf that started the whole sordid fruitcake affair.

The initial taste was heavenly. Each mouthful was a myriad of flavorful sensations: nuts, candied cherries, raisins, pineapple, orange peel and rum, all in one scrumptious bite! The infusion of this candied nectar created a yearning for more. I sliced piece after piece of this succulent treat until the mini loaf was gone in a couple of hours.

Sugar is my down fall. One tiny bite of processed sugar can start me on a binge. My husband, well aware of this fact, hides his candy bars. He saw the last slice of fruitcake vanish into my mouth when he walked into the kitchen.

“You ate that already? Isn’t it horribly sweet?” He asked. His eyes grew wide as he considered the safety of his most current candy stockpile.

“Your chocolate’s safe,” I assured him, licking a morsel of candied fruit off my lip.

I wasn’t lying. Why would I want chocolate when it’s FRUITCAKE season?

The next day I bought two small loafs and put them in the refrigerator. My logic was that if I didn’t see them every day on the kitchen counter, I would savor them over a longer period of time; like one loaf every week instead of one every afternoon.

My husband wasn’t the only one who was concerned about my earlier pig-out session. How many pounds would I gain if I ate these two loafs as fast as I’d eaten the one the day before? I opened the refrigerator door again, moving the cakes to the veggie drawer where they wouldn’t be as readily visible or accessible nestled between the kale and spinach.

As I went about my day the fruitcake called to me as if they had rigged up a whole-house intercom system from the veggie drawer. “We’re in the fridge! We’re in the fridge! We’re in the fridge!”

I finally stuck my head in the refrigerator, discreetly unwrapped one of the loaves and took a bite, then another and another. Yum! It’s truly amazing how fast a person can eat without time consuming utensils.

My lack of restraint was appalling. I removed the second little loaf from the veggie drawer, shoving it under a chuck roast in the freezer. My logic this time was, if the urge to eat fruitcake struck me again, I would have to wait for it to thaw first. I completely underestimated my ability to eat it frozen.

Out of sight, the fruitcake was out of my thoughts until I pulled the roast from the freezer and there it was in all its sweet glory. I put the fruitcake on the counter to thaw, but it wasn’t thawing fast enough. I pulled out my trusty frozen food knife; the one I bought thirty years ago when Aldi only sold hamburger in frozen 5 pound tubes.

Fruitcake is dense and heavy. When frozen, it’s like cement. The knife was useless. All I got was a few frozen slivers that slowly thawed on my tongue. I waited 30 minutes until an 8th of an inch around the whole cake was thawed. The knife still wouldn’t go through the center.

I couldn’t wait any longer. Picking up the fruitcake with both hands, I chewed off all the thawed sections, right down to the frozen core and then some! When I looked at the gnawed and gnarly frozen cake my first thought was, who’s the fruitcake now?

© Gayellen Kick 2018

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13 Comments

    KarenDecember 21st, 2018
  1. Gaye,

    You’ve done it again! It’s 10:51 pm and I’m laughing out loud while reading in bed. Thanks much!

    Karen

  2. Corey StohlquistDecember 21st, 2018
  3. Great story, thanks for good laugh.

  4. Deborah PetersonDecember 22nd, 2018
  5. This was a great first read of the morning. Thanks for starting my day out with a good hearty laugh. Keep them coming!

  6. penny perrinDecember 22nd, 2018
  7. Too funny Gaye…the visuals I had of you eating the partially frozen fruitcake sent me into a fit of laughter. Another good story. Thanks.

  8. virginiaDecember 22nd, 2018
  9. Perfect! Unfortunately it truly resonated with me as I LOVE fruitcake and no one else does … so I am obligated not to waste but eat the entire thing. Yesterday, I saw one at the store and it took extreme will power not to buy it. After reading this, I wanna be just like you … going to the store! ‘v’

  10. Dee ReynoldsDecember 22nd, 2018
  11. What a wonderful description of my relationship with …fill in the blank … chocolate anything, cookies, pie, cake, whatever has sugar….even a spoonful of peanut butter straight from the jar! This reminded me…again that I need to pray Psalm 141:3!!! BLESS you for this wonderfully humorous reminder. And have a GRAND Christmas!

  12. Betty spurrierDecember 22nd, 2018
  13. Entertaining blog as usual. I am the only one in my family that likes fruit cake,so I can relate!

  14. Jeanne SolingDecember 22nd, 2018
  15. Gaye, what a fabulous story! I loved it. I thought I was the only person in my family that liked fruit cake, but I found out recently that my brother also enjoys it too. I haven’t bought one in years, but after reading your story, I am heading off to the store to buy one. Eating it alone in my kitchen will bring back fond memories of Christmas long ago in Chemung and at Grandma Berger’s house on State Line Road. Thank you for this funny fruit cake story. We wish you a very merry Christmas with your family this year and remember, if you ever get out to Arizona again, please come and stay with us.

  16. Louann BrownDecember 22nd, 2018
  17. Are you sure it wasn’t the rum?

  18. Jo Lynn HansenDecember 23rd, 2018
  19. Loved your story .I too love fruitcake going back to my childhood when mom would make a dark and a white one. I love washing it down with a tall glass of eggnog.

  20. Judy A McNuttDecember 23rd, 2018
  21. Uncanny. We MUST be related! xx Judy

  22. Sharon McEnaneyJanuary 14th, 2019
  23. I wonder how many fruitcakes you will receive next Christmas.

  24. Gayellen KickJanuary 15th, 2019
  25. Oh my gosh! I didn’t think of that. If I do, I’ll have to give them all away and join fruitcakes anonymous!

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